AVCrempie

Every time I turn on the news, people are talking about COVID-19. I wish these experts would address the disease I’ve been afflicted with my entire life, yellow fever. There’s currently no known cure or vaccine, though I’ve been able to find relief on some of the JAV (Japanese Adult Video) sites around the web. I just found a new one called AVCrempie, so naturally, I’ve got to try shaking my dick at it.

The AVCrempie.com domain was registered barely over a year ago and went fully live a short time later. That’s not a very long time, but like many JAV sites, they’ve seen a really fucking rapid rise to prominence. Their traffic has exploded lately, bringing their daily visitor count up above 4,000. Some folks say you should never jump on the bandwagon, but those guys are probably missing out on a lot of good Asian porn. If I’m doing my math right, AVCrempie has nearly 12,000 Japanese Adult Videos!

Another thing Westerners have a hard time grasping? All the goddamn censorship! Half of you are reading this paragraph because you hit CTRL+F and typed “censorship”. It’s a problem on basically every JAV site, and I’m afraid AVCrempie is no exception. I already see pixelated cunts and blurred-out intercourse on the front page.

There’s no Uncensored tag listed among the porn genre sidebar, but they do have an AV Censored area. I clicked through to check it out. It turns out nearly every video in the main section is also listed in the censored section. That’s not how it’s supposed to work! This is some fucking retarded backwards shit! File it the other way around!

If you type “Uncensored” into the search bar, you get two results. Both of them are broken, delivering an error message about how OpenLoad might be temporarily down or the file may have moved permanently to a new web address. I’ve played this game enough to know it’s the latter, which is a fucking bummer.

The Genres sidebar features a lot of the standard smut tropes you find on any free tube or premium paysite. There are Anal movies, Gangbangs and Big Tits. They refer to titty-fucking as Breast Sex, and slutty girls are filed under Promiscuity, but a rose by any other name will make you ejaculate just as hard. Watch first-timers deflowered under AV Debut, or skip right to the Creampie aisle. (They spell it wrong in the domain and right in the tags. Go figure. That’s Engrish for you!)

It’s the other, JAV-specific tags I’m more excited about. They’ve got Nurses, Maids, Office Ladies, and 18+ Schoolgirls like everyone else, though you already know Japan has its own distinctive flavor of each.

It gets even better at AVCrempie, with shit that a lot of the bigger porn sites ban completely. They tag their family-fucking movies with Taboo, instead of “Taboo”, like a lot of those wimpy shits out there. There’s plenty of it, too, with over 700 Asian flicks about brotherly love and motherly blowjobs.

Fans of truly rough sex can get lost in the site’s extensive extreme sex section. Banging a girl who doesn’t want it is apparently even more popular than boning your sister in Japan. To date, they’ve got around 700 movies filed under extreme sex. Don’t tell the woke crowd!

If you’re a true connoisseur of Japanese porno, you probably have a few favorite studios. The AV Studios dropdown in the header gives you quick access to smut put out by 45 studios like Crystal Video, Idea Pocket, KAWAII, Sod Create, and Tameike Goro.

I got a pop-under when I clicked through to the video page, and a pop-up when I clicked the Play button. I’d also gotten surprise ads thanks to errant clicks when I’m trying to focus on the right window. That’s with my spam blocker running, so I’d hate to see what this place is like if I take my condom off. You’re going to be dealing with a lot more spam beating off here than beating off elsewhere.

Like other JAV collections, the movies aren’t hosted on-site. I had to let it buffer for a minute before it started playing at all. Even at just 480p, the same garbage resolution your home toaster oven displays, the video paused every few seconds to buffer some more.

I had to give up. Next, I tried another front-page movie, 19-Year-Old Sexual Development 4 Production First Body Experiment, starring Asahina Nanase. This time I got the spam, but the video wouldn’t even play. I checked my bandwidth, and the problem ain’t on my end.

The video finally started playing in the tab a couple of minutes later. It’s a little blurry at 480p, but at least it wasn’t freezing every few seconds. I decided to bump up the resolution and see what happens.

You have to click the video player to use any of the controls. Every time you click it, you will get more pop-up spam. When the video loaded and played alright at 720p, I decided against risking my luck by maxing it out. There is a 1080p option available, assuming the movie host (not AVCrempie.com) can spare the bandwidth.

I liked it so much I clicked the Download button, plus I figured it’d be easier to watch without all the goddamn buffering and spam. After a ten-second countdown, the file host offered up a selection of MP4s in a few resolutions, and told me to right-click and Save As. I tried all of them and got the same Network Error message each time. Downloads are busted.

AVCrempie.com definitely has some good things going for it, namely the thousands of free JAV movies they’ve got in the collection. It’s organized very well, so you can dig right in and find the AV idols, studios, and genres that you prefer to watch while you polish your chopstick. There are some serious roadblocks in the way, including a ton of spam and movies hosted on unreliable hosts. Millions of visitors a month feel it’s worth the hassle, which tells you a lot about the quality of the smut on the menu.

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