Angry Bangers

AngryBangers! What do you get when you combine gangsters, gun fights, bank robberies, and naked chicks? It sounds like some summer blockbuster shit you’d pay twenty bucks to watch in the theater, but nah, Angry Bangers is more interactive than that and a lot cheaper.

AngryBangers.com took off in November of 2019. I mean really took the fuck off; by February, they were already getting over 10 million visits a month. It’s web-based and free, so I was eager to give it a shot myself.

The graphics look gorgeous, and the jugs are big, but if it weren’t for the exposed nipples, I might have assumed it was just another M-rated PS4 game marketed at adolescent boys. Once I started looking through the screenshots, I knew this was something for adults only. The first one, the one you see when you hit the landing page, is just a chick with a massive rack in a small dress holding a couple of guns. The second one, which you have to click to see, features the same broad naked with a couple of dicks in her.

Other in-game screengrabs show the girl riding cowgirl and giving a double blowjob. The latter has a bunch of brightly colored icons all over the place, indicating shit like the damage and accuracy of her knife and her health points remaining. The overlay looks like goddamn GTA, but those ain’t guns shooting her in the face.

Further screens enhance that GTA vibe. There’s a girl in a short pink skirt with a pink machine gun next to some mission instructions, and another screen shows a roulette wheel and a dealer telling you to TAKE A FREE SPIN.

The neon-sign graphics toward the bottom promise awesome graphics, epic PVP battles, tons of characters and 120 guns, 75 cars, and 55 unique skills. Oh, and AMAZING 3D PORNO ACTION. It sounds like it’s got all the makings of a hit, which means I’m about to hit this PLAY NOW button.

After some initial loading, you’ll be prompted to play as a guest or login. I didn’t even see a sign-up button out front, so I guess I’m a guest for now. I like how this screen features a dirty old pervert flanked by a couple of hot chicks. He’s wearing nothing but a pair of American flag speedos and a flasher jacket.

There’s more loading, and then we’re treated to a really professional opening featuring video screens of CGI porn sliding by. The game begins with a short-haired babe explaining how to make your team of gangers fight.

Arrows on the screen walk you through the first fight, which plays out as a turn-based strategy game. The battle takes place on a grid, with each player taking turns spending points to move and attack. The graphics here are considerably smaller and less fappable than the 3D shit out front.

After my dude and my big-titted chick ran up on some fools and smoked ‘em, I was treated to a victory screen featuring a dude nutting all over a girl’s cunt while two other babes masturbate. Damn, it feels good to be a gangster.

The mission is a bank robbery, and my idiot gangsters apparently just ran in without casing the joint, because it’s full of cops. At least, that’s what the on-screen text said. I think some things are getting lost in translation. I’d noticed some broken English earlier, and now I’m seeing “cops” that look like a bunch of thugs, plus a Black lady in heels and a bikini.

Whoever they are, I bombed their ass with a grenade. Then one of my bitches ran up and sliced this dude with a sword, which is her special power. The bad guys got some hits in, especially fucking up my chick in the short plaid skirt.

The gameplay has a surprising amount of depth to it. Even though the early battles are stacked against the baddies to introduce players to the mechanics, it’s clear that there are going to be a lot of considerations during each fight. Characters have different attributes and attacks like they do in any good strategy game, and typically a big set of tatas.

We ultimately prevailed, I think. After we killed all the bad guys and tried to go into the bank, I got a cutscene with a bunch of cops. When it dropped me back on the map, some old lady is telling me I got caught, but the FBI is looking for hotheads like me to do business with. I hope that’s the Female Body Inspectors they’re talking about.

After the first upgrade, they told me to upgrade another. The problem this time was that I didn’t have enough experience points, nor gold. That’s sure a bummer, but fortunately, enough cash for some in-game gold can be purchased for a few bucks real money.

I saw the in-app purchases coming before I even loaded the game, as I’m sure you did if you’re familiar with free-to-play porn games online. I almost laughed at how they sprung it on me this time, like, “You should upgrade this chick. Oops! It looks like you’re a little short on funds, but we can fix that real easy…”

You can also use the in-game gold you bought with real-world cash to purchase in-game money. It’s a bit of a convoluted design, but I’m sure that’s kind of the point. It’s easier to get you to throw money at a “free” game when you’re confused.

“Take it!” my gangster bitch screamed as she shot her rival in the face. The enemy dropped dead, my girl giggled, and then I got to see that animated CG group sex victory thing again. My reward this time was that chick I saw on the landing page with the matching pink skirt and gun and a little bit of in-game cash.

Before I could move on to the next mission, AngryBangers gave me a pretty ridiculous offer. A full-screen ad said I could buy an Abrams tank with really high stats, plus a ton of in-game cash and gold. The price? Only a hundred real-world dollars.

When I declined that, they tried to sell me a smaller sports car package for $25. After that didn’t entice me, they offered a goddamn hatchback for two bucks. Fuck off with that noise. I haven’t even seen the “Aston Marino” that’s supposedly in my garage.

AngryBangers has surprisingly high production values for a porn game. The gameplay is strong enough to keep you interested if you’re into turn-based strategy fights with a pervert gangster theme. The pornographic rewards do seem to be stretched a little thin, which makes me wary of investing any actual cash into the game, but for free, it’s not a bad way to kill some time.

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